Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Baseball Adds Charlie Sheen To List Of Banned Substances*


Charlie Sheen
March 1, 2011

Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced today that actor Charlie Sheen is now among the list of banned substances under the league’s drug testing program.

“Charlie Sheen is among the most powerful narcotics in the world,” said Selig. “Just being in the same room with him can have powerful effects on a person’s body and mental state.”

Selig said baseball has not yet developed a test for Sheen, but that a player will be fined and suspended for Charlie Sheen “if he is acting insane like Charlie Sheen. I don’t think we need to over-think it.”

The actor has long been a baseball fan and is known to drop by MLB clubhouses to meet the players or participate in batting practice. But any future appearance by Sheen in a major league facility will cause the entire team to get suspended for Sheen — which results in a season-long ban.

Per the terms of baseball’s collective bargaining agreement, changes to the drug policy must be approved by the players’ union, but MLBPA chief Michael Weiner said the union will accept the change.

“I don’t think we want the public to think we are soft on Sheen,” said Weiner. “I don’t know a single player who has even tried Sheen. It’s suicide.”

Despite Weiner’s claims, baseball also announced that Devil Rays DH Manny Ramirez has become the first player to test positive for Sheen due to generally insane behavior. There are also reports that Ramirez attended a party at Sheen’s Los Angeles home in January where he snorted a line of Sheen’s skin cells. Ramirez claims he thought they were “ground-up women’s fertility pills,” but knew it was Sheen as soon as the skin cells hit his blood stream and he felt like “my brain was going to explode.”

No comments: